To be clear, my friend IS a big deal, and while I don’t remember the work product, I can assure you that it was fabulous and added tremendous value to the field.

As soon as the man walked away, I turned to my friend with a smile and said, “Maybe next time, just say ‘thank you.’” She nodded with self-awareness and thanks. This tribe of women and I do this for each other. We give one other a proverbial slap across the face that says, “Own your awesomeness.”

I then shared with them this Washington Post piece, Famous quotes, the way a woman would have to say them during a meeting. With humor that painfully hit home, it lamented that we women often undercut ourselves through apologetic, meek, and overly deferential language, and suggested how a “woman in a meeting” would rephrase some well-known historical quotes. Two of my favorites: 

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
Woman in a meeting: “I have to say — I’m sorry — I have to say this. I don’t think we should be as scared of non-fear things as maybe we are? If that makes sense? Sorry, I feel like I’m rambling.”

“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”
Woman in a meeting: “I’m not an expert, Dave, but I feel like maybe you could accomplish more by maybe shifting your focus from asking things from the government and instead looking at things that we can all do ourselves? Just a thought. Just a thought. Take it for what it’s worth.”

Since reading that piece, I see this nasty habit show up in meetings and conversations I have with women EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. We women apologize for non-offenses and ask for permission to be heard – sometimes in the same breath (“I’m sorry, but would it be okay if I said something?”). We use qualifiers such as “just” (“I just had a thought….”), suggest to others that our ideas are bad (“This may be off base, but…”), and diminish our own expertise and wisdom (“You definitely know more than I do, but…”) before others have a chance to consider how wise we really are. 

We fill the airtime with self-deprecating statements that minimize our accomplishments and competence, rather than using our voices to advocate for what we want, share our brilliance, or connect genuinely with others. And we need to cut that out!

Why Women Apologize

So why do we do this? Some research suggests that women apologize more because their threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior is lower than men’s. The practice may also be rooted in social conditioning of girls and women to be nurturers and peacekeepers. And then there is the unfortunate fact that women are more likely to receive feedback on their personalities during professional performance appraisals than are men, conferring pressure to be “nice.” 

Stop Apologizing Now

Regardless of the reason, this bad habit has got to stop. It simply doesn’t serve us. So how can we individually and collectively stop apologizing and undercutting ourselves? Here are a few suggestions: 

• Before you hit send on an email, re-read it to ensure it is free of apologies (unless you have truly caused someone harm), minimizing qualifiers (e.g., just, merely, kind of, etc.), or self-deprecating statements. (Check out the plug-in Just Not Sorry, which alerts you if you write an email with words that could undermine your message.)
• When you sense the phrase “I’m sorry” about to leave your lips, ask yourself if you have actually harmed someone and, if not, consider an alternate phrasing. For example, phrases like “thanks for your patience,” if you have missed a deadline; “I appreciate your understanding,” if you are not able to help someone with a request; or “yes, you are correct” if someone has pointed out a mistake you made.
• Lastly, and this is my favorite, support other women by pointing out when they unnecessarily apologize or minimize an accomplishment, as I did for my friend in Houston. This has a greater chance of being well-received by someone with whom you already have a personal or professional relationship, and when you make your intent clear: not to correct or to shame, but to empower.

All-Female Learning Groups

I have found that all-female learning groups – whether for professional or personal growth – are a great place to find and bestow this type of feedback. For example, in the Dental Public Health Leadership Academy that I lead for the American Institute of Dental Public Health, all of the 15 participants are women. These early- to mid-career dental public health professionals come together multiple times each month to learn from expert faculty, as well as one another, as they develop critical leadership skills. Among the topics on the curriculum are communication for leaders and managing team dynamic and conflict. In our regular learning sessions, virtual breakout rooms, and small-group gatherings, the women support and bolster one another’s confidence in owning and leveraging their unique strengths – unapologetically. 

If you can’t find a formal group such as this to join, consider creating your own “tribe” of female peers to hold one another accountable for showing up in all your spaces without apology.

Back to dinner Houston. My friends and I enjoyed a good laugh while reading the Washington Post piece, acknowledging that we all show up as that “woman in a meeting” more often than we’d like. Armed with this heightened self-awareness, we returned the next day to the conference, where I raised my hand to ask a PERFECTLY VALID question of a session speaker with whom I had worked for many years. After he answered, I responded, “Thanks for that information. So sorry for putting you on the spot.” I kid you not.

My friends called me out on it, and I hope they continue to do so. If you catch me unnecessarily apologizing, I hope you too will kick me under the virtual table or send me a note. And I’ll try to do the same for you. Sorry, not sorry.

Thank you for reading. If you want to connect with me, please reach out via email or follow me on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Instagram, where I promise not to overwhelm you with meaningless chatter.

Resources:

Read more about why women apologize too much and how to break the habit:

• Famous quotes, the way a woman would have to say them during a meeting. 
• Why Women Apologize and Should Stop
• How Women Can Stop Apologizing And Take Their Power Back