So, how did it go?

This is the question I asked the many folks who took on the challenge I posed last week to stop unnecessarily apologizing throughout their day. If you missed it, the charge over the three-day No-Apology Challenge included spending one day literally counting how many times you said “I’m sorry” to someone else, and then taking the next two days to replace a whole host of apologetic phrases with empowering alternatives. I offered a playbook (still available here) to guide participants through the challenge, suggest some specific words to use instead of “sorry,” and reflect on how to make this new, confident language a habit.

I heard back from many participants with candid, thoughtful reflections, but before I share those, here are a few of my own.

1. This is HARD stuff. For many months now, I’ve been reading, mulling, and writing about the fact that women in particular apologize way too often, and typically for things that require no apology whatsoever. And I created this challenge. And I wrote the playbook. And yet, I found myself on the verge of apologizing throughout my day just as I went through the challenge alongside you. I had to remain conscious of it in every meeting and phone conversation – whether discussions were personal or professional, amicable or stressful, formal or on the fly. My default mode of apologizing for my words and actions, and sometimes even for who I am, runs deep and will not be replaced so easily.
2. Even though it was hard, I mostly did it. The words “I’m sorry” left my lips a few times – ironically, even in a meeting with close female colleagues where I lightheartedly chastised them for apologizing themselves. But I’ll need to be diligent to keep up the practice.
3. While I’ve had a heightened level of awareness about how often I hear women apologize unnecessarily these past months, I was even more keenly attuned to it last week. I’m so glad to have heard from women across my circles about how the challenge resonated with them, but this sh*t runs far and deep.

Your Reflections on the No-Apology Challenge

So you took on the challenge, and many of you graciously described what the experience was like. You also shared questions that came up for you – about the root causes of this phenomenon, challenges around eradicating it, and how you’re planning to hold yourself accountable for changing your own habits in this space.

With permission from the authors, I’m sharing some of what I heard:

• I was actually on vacation during the challenge. It was interesting because I was conscious of (1) feeling sorry/guilty all day about not being available to help my co-workers with a big project, and (2) how often I apologize for things to people in my personal life (e.g., with family, friends, total strangers,  etc.). I am definitely aware that I have a tendency to do that – but when I made an effort to be mindful of that tendency during the challenge, it was disturbing to realize how apologizing is almost reflexive, a default response for me. It clarified to me that this is something that runs deep and has many facets to it.
• I did not succeed in employing swap outs that day – however, I mentally reflected almost immediately on how I might have. I could hear in my head how I could have expressed myself without apologizing. That was an important first step. I truly appreciate the very valuable perspective as well as the suggestions and swap outs that the playbook offered. The playbook is something I will want to revisit as I continue to gradually make progress on this.
• I grew up trying to please people and apologizing my way through so many situations in order to feel like I was acting “appropriately” and politely, deferring to others’ preferences, and making others as comfortable as possible. Being “a polite little southern girl” was a big part of our culture when I was younger (and now makes me cringe). Becoming more aware of unnecessary apologizing and replacing “sorry” with more assertive phrases has been a huge mindset change. Why am I apologizing in certain situations, is an apology actually needed (most times – no!), and what can I say instead? This has been especially hard in work situations where I need to push back on a client. I have been referring to your alternative phrases!
• I now find myself defaulting to “thank you for ….” instead of apologizing, which I realized I am doing because it feels like a comfortable happy medium of being polite but also assertive. I find it hardest to avoid apologizing when I am eating out because I feel like I am inconveniencing others due to my dietary restrictions, even after 15 years of eating this way. We ate at a friend’s house the other night and instead of apologizing for my restrictions, I thanked them for being so accommodating with the options they provided for me and acknowledged their effort, etc. No apology! It was a big personal win.
• From my experience being an immigrant, I have noticed when I moved to America that this culture uses this “cliche” or cultural norm too much. What you offer is a way of reflecting on why and analyzing if this is always necessary. My understanding is that this is a way of being polite in the USA that goes beyond gender and settings. I compare this with the word “excuse me,” also a polite apology for bumping into others’ space or getting someone’s attention. I value this expression more than “I am sorry.” It has more positive connotations. It values each others’ space and voice.
• I loved the graphic design element of the list of substitutions which is very helpful. In practice however, I think there are some individuals who will be challenged with this. I think some of this may be cultural and perhaps there is an element of expectation from others that one should apologize.I think it is empowering to swap out phrases, but it is and has been a challenge that I have been working on for several years. This was a great reminder with a wonderful graphic suitable for printing out on a message board. Perhaps I should have a photo of the graphic in my notes on my phone AND printed out on my personal message board in my office.
• I used an alternative phrase instead of a “sorry” phrase today and it felt REALLY great. I also shared the challenge with my three adult daughters who I know will benefit. Thanks so much for this excellent resource and I’ll keep being aware now and working to change the behavior. I DON’T SUCK!
• It makes you stop and think, doesn’t it?! Self-awareness is key!

The last comment above, from a participant named Jessica, really sums how we need to begin being truly diligent in this space. Stop and think when you hear yourself apologize. Stop and think when you hear someone else do it. That awareness – of yourself and of others – is the critical foundation for changing habits and showing up more powerfully and unapologetically throughout your day

Thank you for taking on this challenge with me.

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