Like many women and girls, I often felt the need at both school and work to speak more often and more assertively to show I could “keep up with the boys.” However, having the right answer to a teacher’s question, asserting my opinion on a business strategy, or – brace yourself – pushing back on an idea put forth by someone else in a conference room (regardless of their gender) didn’t always turn out well for me. I was often branded as bossy, a know-it-all, or argumentative. These experiences, admittedly, sometimes deterred me from speaking up.

Women’s reluctance to speak assertively often starts at a young age. Consider: the Girl Scout Research Institute found that one-third of surveyed girls between ages 8 and 17 years who said they did not want to be leaders, cited fears of “being laughed at, making people mad at them, coming across as bossy, or not being liked by people.”

We are evaluated on the contributions we make – in school, this may have been our class participation grade, and at work, it could be having that big idea or successfully leading a project. But all too often, the frequency, content, and “tone” with which we speak up work against us. In ways that typically don’t apply to men. This is known as the assertiveness trap.

The Assertiveness Trap Defined

Assertiveness, defined as the ability to express one’s thoughts, needs, and feelings openly and honestly while respecting the rights of others, is a valuable skill in any professional setting. The term “assertiveness trap” refers to the delicate balance that women must strike between being assertive without being labeled as bossy, abrasive, or overly ambitious — a challenge that our male counterparts might not face to the same extent or even at all. By discouraging us from speaking up, or penalizing us for doing so, this dynamic can hinder career progression, limit opportunities, and affect our self-confidence. 

Societal expectations and ingrained gender stereotypes play a significant role in perpetuating this trap. Traditional gender roles often depict women as nurturing, empathetic, and collaborative, while men are seen as decisive and authoritative. When women deviate from these expectations by displaying assertive qualities, they risk facing backlash and resistance. What might be applauded as strong leadership in a man can be perceived as nastiness or overreach in a woman.

For many women, this is like walking a tightrope. We’re expected to be assertive – especially as we take on more responsibilities and (hopefully) move through leadership roles. But if we lean “too much” into this expectation, we can face negative repercussions in how others respond to us and even how we fare on formal performance evaluations.

The Assertiveness Trap in Action: The Likeability Penalty

Beyond the tightrope of assertiveness, women often grapple with performance reviews that carry inherent gender biases. The “likeability penalty” is real, and it is reflected in how we are evaluated both formally and informally. Personality feedback, which often shows up in performance reviews, affects women inequitably. A study by Textio found negative personality feedback in 76% of reviews for women, but in only 2% of reviews for men. 

Performance reviews should be a tool for growth, not a perpetuator of gender biases. To be clear, I am not arguing that the expression of personality traits should be off-limits in performance reviews and less-formal workplace feedback channels. Indeed, such expression can be beneficial or detrimental in the workplace, and there is value in recognizing both types. However, it is critical that such assessments be applied equitably to employees regardless of their gender. 

Indeed, the assertiveness trap and the likeability penalty that can ensue may have profound effects on women’s career trajectories. Women may find themselves caught in a double bind—expected to be assertive to advance professionally, but penalized when they exhibit these traits. This can lead to missed opportunities for promotions, salary advancements, and leadership roles – even when a woman is excelling at her job. As women receive performance reviews critiquing traits like abrasiveness and arrogance, their motivation to excel can also wane. The workplace, in essence, becomes a battleground where women must carefully calibrate their assertiveness to avoid negative repercussions.

Avoiding and Eliminating the Assertiveness Trap

Avoiding this trap – and ultimately eradicating it from the places in which we work – is the responsibility of both women and men, as well as their employers. They all can play a role in either perpetuating or eliminating this phenomenon.

For example, men may consider the following approaches:

• Allyship and Advocacy: Act as allies by recognizing and addressing gender biases. Use your influence to advocate for fair and unbiased evaluations, challenge stereotypes, and support women in their professional growth.
• Educate and Promote Inclusivity: Actively educate yourselves and others on gender biases and inclusivity. Promote workplace environments that value diverse communication styles, acknowledging that assertiveness is not exclusive to one gender.
• Amplify Voices: In meetings and professional discussions, amplify the voices of female colleagues by acknowledging their ideas and giving credit where it is due. This helps combat the tendency to marginalize assertive contributions from women.
• Champion Equal Opportunities: Advocate for equal opportunities and fair evaluations within the workplace. If you are in a leadership role, use your influence to ensure that promotions, raises, and opportunities are based on merit rather than gender-related perceptions.

To empower themselves and one another, women may consider the following:

• Self-Awareness and Reflection: Reflect on your communication style and assess whether you are holding back due to fear of being perceived as too assertive. Developing self-awareness can help you navigate this delicate balance more effectively.
• Networking and Support Groups: Engage in professional networks and support groups where you can share experiences, exchange advice, and provide mentorship. .
• Visibility Initiatives: Actively seeking opportunities to showcase achievements and contributions. Engage in projects that elevate your visibility, such as presenting at conferences, leading workshops, or participating in cross-functional teams.
• Mentorship Alliances: Foster mentorship alliances with both men and women. Having mentors from diverse backgrounds can provide well-rounded guidance and perspectives, offering valuable insights into navigating workplace dynamics.

Employers and leaders, regardless of gender, can themselves help to eradicate the assertiveness trap through the following:

• Inclusive Leadership Training: Implement leadership training programs that emphasize inclusivity and diverse communication styles. This can help create a workplace culture that values assertiveness in all employees, irrespective of gender.
• Skill Development: Provide training and workshops that focus on communication and assertiveness skills. These programs can empower women to express themselves confidently while navigating workplace dynamics.
• Anonymous Feedback Channels: Establish anonymous channels for providing feedback. This allows employees to express concerns about bias in a safe environment, fostering open communication and providing insights into areas that may need improvement.
• Continuous Learning Initiatives: Promote a culture of continuous learning, encouraging employees to stay informed about evolving workplace dynamics, biases, and effective communication strategies. This helps create a dynamic and inclusive work environment.
• Negotiation Training: Equip women with negotiation skills to confidently advocate for themselves in professional settings. Negotiation training can empower women to assert their value in salary discussions, project allocations, and career advancements.

By implementing these strategies collaboratively, men and women can work together to dismantle the assertiveness trap, fostering a workplace where individual contributions are valued based on merit rather than gender-related expectations.

Lastly, I want to note the role of intersectionality in the above. It is important to recognize that the impact of personality-based evaluations can be compounded for women of color and those with other intersecting identities. They may face additional biases related to race, ethnicity, or other factors, which can further affect their evaluations. This is a distinct challenge that calls for strategies outside the scope of this piece and my expertise.

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