Earlier this year, I published a blog post that had been living inside my head for years, just waiting for an outlet and audience. In Sorry, Not Sorry: Women, Please Stop Apologizing!, I talked about the way we women undercut ourselves, our opinions, and our expertise every single day. We do this by saying we’re sorry, asking for permission to speak, undercutting our statements to the world with ridiculous, unnecessary qualifiers. We even (and often) preface an idea or opinion by saying that it is likely wrong or stupid, or that others know better than you.

In short, the words that we ourselves choose to use tell the world that we are not smart, not expert, not wise, and not awesome. When in fact, we are all of these things.

The response I received to this blog post was immediate and humbling. I heard from countless women thanking me for articulating what they feel or the behaviors they’ve witnessed themselves perform without knowing how to change. I heard from some saying they hadn’t realized they were doing this, until it was called out for them in that blog. And I heard from some men (thank you, men) with appreciation for highlighting a dynamic of which they had not been aware. Some committed to start listening out for this tendency among their female colleagues, and then considering how they might dissuade it.

One story I heard stopped me in my tracks and made me realize how deeply and early the tendency to apologize is ingrained in women when they are girls. A colleague relayed that after reading my blog post, she shared it with her sister, the mother of a teenage girl. One day, the girl’s mother heard her singing in the shower. All of a sudden, she stopped singing, and said, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and then continued on. Later, her mother asked who she had been apologizing to. The girl responded, “The wall.” She had inadvertently hit her head against the wall, and she wanted the wall to know she was sorry.

When we start off staying we’re sorry to inanimate objects as youngsters, it’s no wonder we’re in full-on apologizing, qualifying, deferring, and even shrinking mode as women in the workplace.

Clearly, this all needs to stop. But how? I’m hoping to start moving the needle with something I’ve created called the No-Apology Challenge.

Here’s how it will work:

In its simplest form, the first step in the No-Apology Challenge is to become more self-aware of how often you are saying you’re sorry, asking permission to speak, and/or undercutting your ideas. Armed with this awareness, your next step is to consciously eliminate the words “I’m sorry” (unless you have actually harmed somebody!) from your daily conversations, and start using phrases that communicate respect for yourself, as well as others.

To support you (and full disclosure, myself as well), I created a playbook to guide you through this challenge over a three-day period. For example, instead of, “Sorry I’m late,” try, “Thank you for waiting.” And instead of, “Sorry to take up your time,” try, “Thanks for your time.” And many more.

CLICK HERE TO REQUEST THE PLAYBOOK

So that we can support one another in community, I am inviting you to take on this challenge from September 20 to 22. Here’s how it will work:

• Day One (September 20): Keep a tally of how many times you use apologetic or self-deprecating phrases or words either verbally or in writing (e.g., emails, letters). Come visit the Chazin Consulting page on Facebook or LinkedIn, where there will be a post asking you to comment with your grand total. (Confession: The first time I kept count, my total was 37. In one day!)
• Days Two and Three (September 21 and 22): Work deliberately and consciously to eliminate these phrases from your written and spoken words, and replace them with options from the playbook’s list of “empowering alternatives.” Answer the reflection questions and consider how you can continue to build this muscle of empowerment.

We’ll invite you to come back the next day to Facebook or Linked, if you’d like, to share what the experience was like for you and any advice you have to share with others.

Thank you for giving this a try. Let’s figure it out together.

Unapologetically yours,
Stacey